just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
