If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize