I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
