Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You were trust falling into bushes
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
