Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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