i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Too much gin, very little bucket
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
did i walk over a car last night?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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