she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
