How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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