How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
We're too hungover to prance.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
