Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
