i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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