I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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