Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
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