i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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