Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
