Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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