Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
