So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
