Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
