doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
