i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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