My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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