whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
