My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
