Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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