for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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