I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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