youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
