You don't have asthma, your pregnant
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
