My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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