I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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