you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
