i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
