i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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