I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
