I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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