last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize