If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
