I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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