I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
