I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
