Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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