We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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