I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize