Already got asked if we're dating
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
