drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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