...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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