"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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