bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
As shirtless as possible
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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