god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
im having a threesome with these popsicles
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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