is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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