Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
