I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
