So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
