I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Randomize
