my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize