theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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