first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
