he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize