that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
