I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
