i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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