walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
